Since as long as I can remember, I have always worn nice things to the core.
My thrifty mother, insistent upon “gradual wardrobe building” would buy us a few really nice articles of clothing a year. Well, as self indulgent as this sounds, gradual wardrobe building once a year will leave you with a new pair of clothes each year, only to be worn thin by overuse and limited variety.
My shoes, always break. Even when they aren’t very old.
Food is always eaten too quickly, not thoroughly enjoyed. A sort of hoarding to my stomach. Too nice to be slowly taken in.
Pictures. Never coming out right. always a little too far away, even when i took the picture right then and there. I saw the scene. It was beautiful. Documentation- i absolutely ruin it.
Words: i overuse them.
Ive broken countless glasses, spill far to often, never can sustain a manicure for more than 10 minutes , i even broke my garage door. (how does one do that)
and although these all sound like white girl problems- they are.
I have this tendency to ruin relationship/ friendish type things. it’s always on accident. maybe I’m extremely insecure. or maybe the friendships I’ve ruined werent really worth it anyway. to be honest, the ones i have ruined, i haven’t really been too torn up about.
the worst thing though. is ruining relationships with people i love. i pick things that aren’t wrong. and make them wrong. i make non issues, issues. and then am left in the wreckage. and sometimes people stay. and that’s awesome. a lot of times they don’t.
i dont do it on purpose. even as i write this i know that is a lie is hard to believe. it’s true though. and you’d think i’d learn. i try to learn. but i find insecurities and push. and sometimes it gives way. usually these are projections of my own issues.
i just realized tonight though. the reason I’m so scared of doing it this time.. is because you probably won’t stick around afterwards.
i really don’t want to see you right now. the compatible silence has become unbearable. the silence i relished is no longer comfortable, but a loud awkwardness that even I, as awkward as I am, cannot stand. and if you come over right now, it will be more of that same noise that i hate so much.
